urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rocksellout Kip! Kip! 2008-09-04T05:51:12Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:rocksellout:4819 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z 2008-09-04T05:51:12Z Late Of The Pier - "Focker" An early morning conversation inspired me to revisit the only journal from my past that remains. I went there with hopes of finding entries about the struggles I've had over the years with keeping my attitude and temper in check. I think the two I found are worthy of sharing. <br /><br />An incident that occurred over the weekend has them questioning whether a friendship with yours truly is safe to explore. I'm not sure I have the answer. Has anyone ever called you volatile? It amuses me, because they haven't seen anything at this point. Heh. I found myself ready to throw a punch this weekend. I can't say I've felt that way since I parted ways with the ex. I've been thinking about it ever since and grateful nothing happened. No harm, no foul, right? RIGHT.<br /><br />01.13.2005: <b>Sticks & Stones (No More Words)</b><br />I learned to defend myself with words at a very early age. When you're physically unable to battle the enemy, you learn to use the tools that are available to you. Words have always had a tendency of leaving my mouth long before I could process the damage they would cause. I could tear down tall buildings in a single breath back then...I still can. It's nothing I'm proud of.<br /><br />Sometimes, it's really hard to lay those learned behaviors to rest.<br /><br />With a trail of friends, family, and lovers behind me...I wonder if I'll ever be able to control this behavior pattern. Don't get me wrong, I'm a pleasant person...I just haven't learned to properly deal with hurt. The moment I feel the slightest bit of pain being brought on by someone, my tongue quickly decorates the wall behind them with three layers of skin. Moments later, I regret the outburst and probably hurt far worse than I would've had I kept my big mouth shut.<br /><br />The more I change...the more I learn I need to change.<br /><br /><br /><br />02.16.2005: <b>Attitude Adjustment</b><br />You can count carbs and calories. You can monitor the distance of travel between point A and point B. Sadly, you can never tell when your attitude is affecting others until damage is done. Why can't an alarm go off if needed? I'd certainly buy a device like that.<br /><br />With every year that passes, I grow in many ways...yet my attitude and behavior continues to plague me. I do realize the difference between right and wrong, but have a tendency to dangle too far over the edge. It's getting old. I'm getting old.<br /><br />It's never too late to change. I think this is an area I need to focus on more than any other at the moment. It's so strange that it takes a carwreck or two before I take the time to acknowledge that the rims need to be polished.<br /><br />Wax in hand.