| Pretty Hate Machine |
[Sep. 4th, 2008|12:09 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Late Of The Pier - "Focker" | ] |
An early morning conversation inspired me to revisit the only journal from my past that remains. I went there with hopes of finding entries about the struggles I've had over the years with keeping my attitude and temper in check. I think the two I found are worthy of sharing.
An incident that occurred over the weekend has them questioning whether a friendship with yours truly is safe to explore. I'm not sure I have the answer. Has anyone ever called you volatile? It amuses me, because they haven't seen anything at this point. Heh. I found myself ready to throw a punch this weekend. I can't say I've felt that way since I parted ways with the ex. I've been thinking about it ever since and grateful nothing happened. No harm, no foul, right? RIGHT.
01.13.2005: Sticks & Stones (No More Words)
I learned to defend myself with words at a very early age. When you're physically unable to battle the enemy, you learn to use the tools that are available to you. Words have always had a tendency of leaving my mouth long before I could process the damage they would cause. I could tear down tall buildings in a single breath back then...I still can. It's nothing I'm proud of.
Sometimes, it's really hard to lay those learned behaviors to rest.
With a trail of friends, family, and lovers behind me...I wonder if I'll ever be able to control this behavior pattern. Don't get me wrong, I'm a pleasant person...I just haven't learned to properly deal with hurt. The moment I feel the slightest bit of pain being brought on by someone, my tongue quickly decorates the wall behind them with three layers of skin. Moments later, I regret the outburst and probably hurt far worse than I would've had I kept my big mouth shut.
The more I change...the more I learn I need to change.
02.16.2005: Attitude Adjustment
You can count carbs and calories. You can monitor the distance of travel between point A and point B. Sadly, you can never tell when your attitude is affecting others until damage is done. Why can't an alarm go off if needed? I'd certainly buy a device like that.
With every year that passes, I grow in many ways...yet my attitude and behavior continues to plague me. I do realize the difference between right and wrong, but have a tendency to dangle too far over the edge. It's getting old. I'm getting old.
It's never too late to change. I think this is an area I need to focus on more than any other at the moment. It's so strange that it takes a carwreck or two before I take the time to acknowledge that the rims need to be polished.
Wax in hand. |
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| Comments: |
"Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off."
OK, serious now - at least you're aware of it and try to improve. There are far too many people who blame their behaviors on others and refuse to take any sort of personal responsibility to how they react to people and events in their lives.
I'm completely aware there's still evil inside. If I knew how to exorcise it, I would. Watching where I go and who I'm with is usually the key element. I was extremely uncomfortable on Saturday night. My coworker rubbed me wrong. The club I was in creeped out. I had way too much caffeine in my system. A drunk gay guy with his shirt off was in my face.
No excuses, but I can easily identify the triggers.
OMG I have the same mouth problem. It will never go away, I just have to quell it by counting to ten-twenty-one hundred...
I learned to count long before kindergarten, I should try that. Heh. | |
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rocksellout's journal
